When I'm bored...

Life as I know it

2008-12-17T18:33:00.000-08:00

When you live in a place called "The Blue Zoo", you're bound to hate yourself at some point. After being a cadet for half a year, this is what I think:

1. There are a lot of people who are too proud of themselves for being at the academy. They let everybody know when they got appointed that they were coming here, that's ok. Now that they're here, they still let people know that they're coming here...PEOPLE HERE!! We call these people toolbags. People who get extremely happy to tell people how cool they are and how eager they are to disseminate their knowledge of the Air Force to everyone they know, regardless of whether they care or not. Even to other zoomies. One dude was talking about how he shines his black leather gloves. Another one dude sent a classwide email to brag about how he was the first ace of our class. Who cares? Congratulations on being the first toolbag of our class.

2. It's way too easy to get sniped, so don't be stupid. Since we are the first class to have ABUs, we stand out because because we're in a non-jungle, non-desert environment. Besides, these uniforms do a terrible job of hiding us in the woods or the terrazzo.

who looks more hidden the green or gray?

3. Girls here look better in service dress. This is actually not yet confirmed. I have yet to see a girl in civies and then in service dress for a head to head comparison. But it is true what they say about falcon goggles.
not falcon goggles
My roommate stalks girls on Facebook and asks us if we think girl X is hott or nott... Beauty is all relative...and how desperate you are

4. Basic Cadet Training at Camp USAFA is the bestest cheapest awesomest meanest leanest summer camp you could ever ask for.
Just ask this kid--> <--She scares me.
Free clothes, free food, free room and board, Excellent camp counselers, I think i'm a happy camper. Basic cadet Confused reporting his orders.

5.Academics are cake. For me atleast. I don't want to say I haven't tried, but this first semester was about getting a feel for life here rather than putting my nose into books. Only people who spend hours at a time reading books arre bigg nurds. So I can spend time running my miles of trials instead or trials of miles, whichever you prefer.

6. Who the hell is Jack? His valley sucks by the way. A- Course is the gay course. O-Course is the blow course. LRC==Safety first. LRC Walsh--one hott babe. Ops Warrior was just plain Hooah.

Having to go back out there during Comm's Challenge and run the O-Course again made me want to slit my throat. The place looks like a prison camp out of the movies, and it feels like one too. The only good thing was that I heard cougars and mountain lions lived out there...too bad I never found one. Thanks for giving us all Jack's Hack, Jack. That was the most annoying 3 weeks of my life, having to listen to my classmates suffer while cadre told us to shut up; we can't help it. Whoever Jack is/was, I want to read his wikipedia article.

7. There should be a facebook group called Cadet Captain Kenneth "Drew" Powers is NOT a hardass.
smiles all around
As much as he tries to look like an extremely tough and mean guy, he is a short little dude who wears extremely shiny jump boots and tailored BDUs because it looks "sharp" ( Powers). Actually, he's a fuzzy little dude who likes to tell me repackaged Disney stories as bedtime stories **Lion King**. Nice analogy by the way with the pack of mean African bees. Also, you're Texas accent is not very convincing. Work on it. And although I respect him for being a fine leader, and telling us he has watched us grow up from day 1 of basic like a lil daddy, he is most definately our mommy, C1C Corey Crowell is most definately the daddy in their relationship. You were a cool training officer, especially when you were drunk, way to be a role model ;)...up until the point where you refused to go on a rifle run with just ME.

8. You're soo hoood, I'm sooo Hooah. This one bugs me. I know we're in the Air Force, but freakin do some more FTX because we are an expeditionary Air Force not a Chair Force. I want to shoot some guns, I want to get my face dirty in the dirt, I want be know what it feels like in a war zone. Maybe some more obstacle courses? More some better haircuts? I don't know. Fix it.

9. Some people can turn out to be cool during the school year.
Some people who appear to be total D-bags during Basic actually are pretty chill. C2C Dombrowski likes THE Ohio State University--just like me, and turns out he can actually take a joke. C1C Corey Crowell is not all business, especially when he is talking to C4C Brown, my roommate.

10. ...And some other people go the opposite way. 2nd BCT A-squad B-flight commmander has turned out to be a total dissappointment. Perhaps it comes from rooming with the 1st BCT squadron commander who definately likes little boys and is a BIGG NURDD. Regardless, we saw this one coming, and we're not gonna miss these guys when time comes for their passing from this place.

11. What does a stractasarus look like?
pretty dang stract...no?

First of all what is a stractosaurus? Look at that dude, with his perfect hhonor guard position of attention. Gotta follow the rules right? Right down to the last drop of ink on the page. Stract up or be dealt with by toolbags. It's a hard-knock life, Bro.

12( Never Falter, Never Fail). Johnny Bravo and Jody

Ok, first of all, Johnny Bravo would have been more fonder if left in cartoon form. But at Ops Warrior, this seargeant, grabs my buddy, puts him on his knees, takes his M-16 and points it at his head. Then proceeds to tell us that he(seargeant hill) is a terrorist and we're watching him kill our buddy on TV...that he is some Al-Qaeda dude. psshhh... whatever right? Here's where it gets funny. He asks my buddy "Do you want to die for your country, Johnny Bravo?" Johnny Bravo then became synonymous with G.I. Joe or something like that.

Who is this beautiful girl Jody that I keep hearing about?
Yeah...its actually just a cadence, probably some deadbeat jarhead who couldn't get his cheating girlfriend out of his head while he was at basic. According to Wikipedia though, its "supposed"to be about this girl named Jody who happens to be a recurring character in a bunch of them.
My favorites:
Red's Jody
Fighter Pilots
Choppers Coming ( sung as if singing in a boy band)

13. Hhonor, Hard.

Perhaps the most irratating combination here is that of a tool and a stractasaurus. It just BUGS me. Look soo good for everybody, even get your BDUs tailored so you can't wear body armor underneath your blouse even if your life depended on it. Also, act like a complete dick and tool to all the indocs who want to be part of your cult...ok...Real cool... I guess there's a reason for everything. They do execute things pretty well. They're very well dressed and covered when marching, and they are very good at raising and lowering the flag. and clicking their heals. But the thing that really has gotten me is the way they talk. If you want to be in hhonor hard, start by adding an H to the beginning of everything you say just for hemphasis. And it will get addicting, it will become habit, it will become a part of you. hhonor hard and hue. Hue and Hhonor hard.

14.Recognition is gonna SUCK balls. Ok, first of all, this is not a normal frat. OK we've established that. Instead of making you do stupid stuff that is humiliating, they just yell at you and beat until your body is a pretty fine pulp or until your nerves are all frayed.

That's ok though--when you're that desperate to be recognized and be at rest, you'll do anything... ANYTHING, maybe even Form 34. I'm not gonna BS anybody, I hate my life already. But I'm gonna hate it more in the next two months. Please write me letters. In the letters, please include a message along the lines of: You're not dirt OR You don't suck that bad OR give me a percentage of how much time left until I'm recognized. Maybe include a lollipop because sugar makes all problems go away. Never falter never fail, right?

15. Hail to the Chief....and Chaplain Davidson
For all you future doolies out there, you will get to know and love these two dudes more than anything you'll ever know. The chief is one of the most down to earth, chillest guys you'll ever meet, but will teach you everything you need to know to hold yourself to the standard. They call him "the Chief"' because he is the chief...he's a retired Chief Master Sergeant...that's an E-9 highest enlisted rank in the Air Force. When he talks, people listen.

Chief Bob cheering on the class of 2010 "Drunk Again"

and Chaplain Davidson... what a clown. He is the Jewish chaplain, who takes the most effort to cheer up the cadet wing. Like when we were marching back from Jack's Valley, he was standing on a podium with a megaphone playing "We are the Champions", or on Acceptance Day when he rode around on top of a golf cart with his megaphone cheering people on. Or when he would stand on a chair outside Mitchell Hall doing random stuff to try to cheer us up. Let me say this, if you're Jewish, you're really lucky because this dude is your chaplain.

15. I've had a lifetime of expriences that none of my friends back home will ever have. From pissing my pants to falling asleep while marching, it's been a good time. But I've grown up so fast. It tends to happen to you when you are being constantly scrutinized by adults who know what they are doing and have done that way for atleast 10-20 years. And then also realizing what you got yourself into, possibly going off in four years to fight a war that you have no business fighting for. And then walking around in uniform to more scrutiny under the public eye, can't do anything a normal person does because you are a person of higher moral character, one that people look up to. Not some piss drunk college student deadbeat who goes out every night looking for the hardest party to crash. Sometimes, I wish I was the latter dude..without the drinking, just the fact that you are a normal person.

Finally,

16. A word of the Wise--Cynicycism is the NUMBER ONE killer of Cadets
No joke and no BS. If you are a negative person, you will either hate yourself to the point that you will be bitter the rest of your life and don't deserve to come and waste this experience when somebody else who would have had a positive attitude would have struggled through it better or you will FORM 34 the hell out of here. Don't get me wrong....nobody likes it here, not even the firsties (well...actually they're about to get out of here, so they might like it). But for everybody else, enjoy the fun stuff because good moments are fleeting. Isn't that a lesson in life though? Am I a cynic? Yes, sometimes. At first, always. I hated myself for coming here that first week, and I didn't think I'd make it through Basic. But you learn to extract the positives from everything, even if you must do a single displacement reaction. Especially throughout the school year, I've had fun, and as much as I hate to think about the next two months leading up to recognition, the bestest thing I have going for me is my sometimes idiot roommate, Willis Brown, who lightens things up all the time, especially when I'm down. Thanks Willis

Alright yall, it's late, this is long, but I'm out.

ITS ALL OVER

2008-05-28T16:43:00.000-07:00

That was it, Done... no more high school.... EVER!

Now it's time to step back and reflect on the past twelve years and what they represented

I'm not going to bore you with the usual sentimental shit, but seriously guys, I want each and everyone of you to do this the day school gets over. It really comes full circle all the shit you've been through.

Me and all the big kids going to school for the first day. I was really excited. I had all the stuff ready. Had my backpack straps tied, had tags on my backpack, memorized my bus number, saved a bus seat for me and my friends. I was ready to go. I remember the good smell of the school on the first day of school, and all the kids going to class, and I remember going... this is the real deal.

I hope you can remember your first bus ride, and your first step into school, and your first school lunch and how nervous you were that you were gonna screw up. There was actually something to my thinking but I can't remember what I was thinking back then. All I know is that for you seniors, Thanks for making my journey so that much more fun and challenging, and for you juniors make good memories on every moment possible and live every moment to the fullest as possible. I felt like I left school without any spectacular fanfare, and just with a good friend by my side as I left school for the very last time. Reflect on your very first moment you smelled the oil of the school bus as you stepped into that yellow cheese box. It's a cool transcedental moment, all boxed into one.

I've been really busy these last few weeks doing last minute cramming for tests and finals, and getting quality runs in. And running has only amplified what I've been trying to do for the past four years. Quarter mile at a time---

Actually, that's the end of the last quarter mile i'll ever run in high school. But what I'm saying is, when you engage in something, you don't have to be distracted by the bigger picture as long as you're so passionate about it. Go ahead and enjoy the details. For that minute or so nothing else should matter.

I've heard a lot of praise about how i'm a hard worker. I guess I owe it to you all, those who have poked and proded and encouraged and pushed and challenged me to elevate my game. So here's a salute to you those who have made me who I am today.

I think the saddest moment is the one we all have been waiting for. Whether you want to admit it or not, there will be heartfelt goodbyes to those you knew and cared for so much and invested so much time to share your livelihood with. I walked into talk with Ms. Marshall today, and she started crying when I thanked her for the past four years. Juniors, if you think you're sick of school and all the people in it, guess again, make sure you get to know everybody and know every side of them, whether they be some cocky asshole, shy nerd, or hardcore bitch, or down to earth. Only then, can you value everything that is your existence.

I have to go run now (literally), so I'm gonna check out. Before I go, just wanted to remind everyone my address, that I hope you write to me at:

Basic Cadet Lance Wu
PO Box 5392
USAFA, CO 80841

A Last Hurrah

2008-04-12T16:54:00.000-07:00

Here's one for you: Spring break 2008 may be your last real spring break.

As I look back, I see my life thus far; I see all my little kid memories of me running around John Ankeney field playing soccer. I remember the time I begged my mom to let me get a PS2 with my christmas moneyz. I remember the time when my cousins visited and I cried when they left. I remember getting my name on the board for making a disturbance in class (multiple times). I remember hiding bad quizzes and tests under my bed so my mom wouldn't find them. I remember when spring break felt like an eternity. I hate to dwell on those thoughts, but a friend and future classmate made it clearer than ever that there is an ever-growing rift between the old me and the new me that's to come.

view from I-675 underpass

Here's what I miss: when time (even when you were having fun) wasn't fleeting. When summer days meant going to Woodhaven pool and swimming in an outdoor pool. Playing soccer at BSA. being a kid and not knowing the pressures of living. Not knowing calculus, physics, chemistry, english, or any kind of high school level skill. not relying on the computer and the internetz tubes as your primary lifeline. Running around and not having to worry about getting fat. Dreaming.

Here's who I'll miss: all my friends from elementary school who got me through school before the onset of "cliques", Jake, Ben, Wil, Anton, the very guys who knew how to get it done. My XC coaches, who rejuvenated my love for running, Coach Eby, Clements, and Opperman. My track coach and inspiration, Mr. Tom Miller. Those character that made me the monster who I am, Coach Sellers. All my asian crew--we used to roll deep--Steven, Will, Neal, Joel, Bo, John. My piano teachers--for instilling the love of music in my soul--Mrs. Macaulay, and Dr. Filos. My first grade teacher who really shaped my character and believed in me, Lyndell Maultsby, my elementary school teacher, who let me sketch and doodle when everybody else was papermachaying, Delores Buchanan. My friends and teachers, and overall buds, Ms. Nic, and Mrs. Pierce, who helped me get by the tough times by just talking about bygone times. All my friends who accepted me even though I'm not uber smart or restrained. My family--Mom, Dad, Christine, the very people I live every day for and you have cared for me every living, breathing moment. My cousin Winnie, who I often fought with and disagreed with, but respected a hell of a lot. My uncle, Kane, who is more like my brother for believing in me when no one else did. To my cousin Alvin, who like I, have dreamed big dreams. And to the kid me, a fat(but nonetheless healthy) , fun loving, creative, and energetic baby, a person I wish I still was.

I guess what I'm getting at is that looking back, moving to Indiana has made me a person, that I perhaps wouldn't have become had I not lived here. I miss living in Ohio, and when I found out my sister was seriously considering attending THE Ohio State University, I was overcome with joy probably because I would be able to visit Columbus for the first time since leaving in 1990. To be able to visit Dayton, the very place that I grew up, and a piece of me still lives there, a piece of skin that I cut off so that I could live there forever( It's probably compost now).

Leaving everything I have ever known is going to suck, no doubt. but i can do it. It's just becoming harder and harder to think about it because as you all saw, I'm writing some sort of death speech, that I hope someone would read at my funeral. This is probably the last time that I will get to write about what's going on in my head. I don't know why I make such a big deal out of it, but it is a big deal to me.

{cut to 2008}I found this year to especially fulfilling and joyful, going to track practice every day this week has been THE epitomizing sense of accomplishment, this week, and getting all my homework done due next week and getting as far ahead in schoolwork as I could definately helped too. But perhaps, the freedom of doing what I wanted was a bittersweet accomplishment this week. On one hand, I did waste a lot of time doing something that I've denied myself for five years--playing a true video game, but on the other, I helped out someone who I really care about, and I gathered some stuff to help others out. Being my last spring break, it better have been a good one. Perhaps the greatest thing about this year, is that I didn't have to go to Florida or some exotic island that costs BUX to enjoy and lay out and get roasted, but living life on my terms is the greatest gift of all.

Perhaps there may be no cure for the itch. There is not magic bullet to pull me closer to what I have known for so long, because, maybe because I left it long ago, thinking it would be something new and better. Was I ever wrong. SO.... before I ride off this time , I just wanted to tell everyone I love them.

Thankfol four

2007-11-21T16:39:00.000-08:00

First myth. Society is flawed--this is actually true. If we all lived under survival instincts, we would eliminate all misgivings that are artificially placed in society. I love it when teachers rant about problems with not only society but their immediate superiors. This not only makes the society seem misplaced, but the education system as whole, the system that is supposed to dilleniate right from wrong for us, the students, the products of this industry seem out of control and incompetent. Yes, if you put it in pure economic sense, its like having a 30 million dollar robit that is supposed to take over the world suddenly bows down to a human and claims subordinance to the human. What a waste of 30 million dollars. What a lame robit.
No, the real question is when you turn your car on....does it sound like a lawn mower? because it so, then you are either getting majorly jipped or you bought an american car sold by a misguided doctor who cheated on her husband and then got all pissy at him when he returned the favor.

No the real problem with society? an economic system based purely on materialism. One that is so arrogant that doesn't wait for the future to come to us, but one that goes out and seeks to create their own future. We've all seen it, new products come out ahead of their time, experience major breakdowns and product recalls, and yet the company overcharges customers by a high margin because they know we are weak, and all we want to do is feel comfortable until they know the next hot new product is going to come out. Today's market is going to fail because of a lack of informed consumers. Just watch the freakin news, the iPhone--so called technological marvel-- is only sold in the 8G model now at the price of the original 4G model. First of all, my question is--why do you buy the 4gig in the first place? because everyone knows that features out duel price, which is the number one reason for marketing failure. Second--are you not smart enough to watch market trends to realize that companies manipulate marketing to misinform and even mislead consumers into believing that these things are so out of this world that you can't even do it yourself---HELLO!!?!?!? Wake up!!! ever heard of Linux? Homebrew? Web forums? all you have to do is read one up and you will forever know what is going on and how to do things yourself instead of spending $2.00 on your ringtone for your phone, when you could get infinite ring tones on your phone for relatively nothing if only you knew what you were doing. Point made.

--
Second myth. You have to feign dominance. This one is actually not true. Those who create hype and don't back it up are the worst people in the world. Also. riding the waves of other people's success is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. It is what makes me really really really really hate people. You did not do the work to get there, so why should I honor your effort. Yes, even though i said it a little bluntly, you know who I'm talking about. And you should understand why I said it. You can't say the same thing about me, because I WORKED my way to what I got. You thought you already had it made, just because those before you had done the tough work, and you never really did jack shit to merit any credit. Honestly, if you're going to talk before talk is worth mentioning, then you have an attention problem. Because people will never care about what you have to say if you can't back it up. I kept my mouth shut an entire season just to make a non-verbal statement to those who can't keep their mouth shut. I didn't let them celebrate with me when I reached my goal because I did not want them to enjoy the same pure basic joy that I got to experience. An ounce of this joy is more priceless than priceless is. In fact, you cannot quantify joy in any way. You cannot take away my achievement by downplaying its importance nor can you try to downplay my skill by bringing up anything relevant. The truth of the matter is come spring... is do you have what it takes to step it up and take what is not yours or do you not have the balls to fight so deeply and patiently for that you puss out before the fight even begins? I know I proved my own assertions right last year...are you willing prove me wrong this year? I hate it when these people step out and complain how tough it is for them because they can't perform the fundamentals to a degree of mastery. Fundamentals ARE fundamentals. Mastery comes from your own mastery of pain. Yes there are four levels of pain in my hierarchy of pain.
-First you have physical pain. It's the basic general fatigue, windedness, the basics. If you can't get through this, then you don't deserve to live. You need pain in your life or else you don't know the meaning of joy.
-Second, you have a level of pain as your heart explodes and your blood heats up. It is NOT a more intense first level but rather a independent second level consisting of tired arms and leg muscles, stiffness in joints, and the first but not impenetrable wall you will face.
-Now, the third level is the one that separates the men from the pussies. It is lactic acid seeping into your muscles, each and every strand of the muscle. You will feel it, It WILL hurt A LOT and want to make you stop. A weak mind and weak attitude will tell you that you are in danger mode. Kind of a like your web browser telling you that the page you are about to enter is secure because all you did was enter in a string of letters or numbers known only to you.
-Now the last level of pain is the most complex to understand because it is not only an all- encompassing level of pain but one that causes you to lose your mind. Literally. At this level of pain, your mind starts playing tricks on you, and you are not generally you because you are in another world. Not only that, physically, at this stage of pain, your body generally needs to supply oxygen in other places of your body and thus your mind is flushed of its oxygen supply making your head feel tighter. This is real pain. This is a test of what you are. How do you prepare for this? Of course you're going to be scared. But if your life was on the line, how far would you go? What if it wasn't? What if it was just for fun? There's life to live afterwards. Would you go all the way? Why wouldn't you? Life is a struggle and you will never know the ups unless you are constantly in the downs. So my challenge to you ( and YOU know who you are) this year is to prove me wrong. Show me that you are willing to go all the way. Balls to the Wall. Nothing left at the end. Because it ain't worth having something left for nothing. In other words why save money when there is nothing to buy. Otherwise don't go parading your sorry ass shit at me like you are something special because there is one and ONLY one way to prove you are the real deal. Do it.

--

Sometimes I wonder if I never need a friend closer than all of my other friends. I've contemplated being a hermit and escaping society all together. Sometimes you think--gee... life sucks, no one understands me. No one is like me. But sometimes, it takes the experience of a life time fall in the right hole. maybe that's not the right word or that's too cliche. All the right pieces of the puzzle seem to be falling in the right place at the right time, and the right puzzle seems to be piecing together. If that makes any sense. They say that your senior year of high school goes by faster than you think. This is not a myth. THis is actually true. Yes, I've been through some tough tough times, that have tested me mentally, physically, and spiritually this year. And although I've stood against some tall odds, the fact that I am writing this is a testament to what I"ve been through. Of course, you need the usual ingredients to pull through. Cool, breezy fall weather. A infinite assortment of greens, ambers, and reds, and of course, the blissful silence of civilization. THAT is autumn. Nature is where it is, and Nature is how you do it. Nature is free and free to roam, and nature is the one force that is free of and can free your mind. The thing about nature is that nature is lovely, and when lovely is in the air, you know you are bound to find something special that you never would have imagined, but you know was not by accident. I think the word is....serendipity. What an awesome word, it just rolls off your tongue. And NO, i'm not gay. Yes! all the right pieces are falling into the right places, even if I don't yet know it. Early on, I found out that I got into college. Then it was two. Now I'm waiting on the third, and then the fourth. Even though I may not be able to pay for college, it is no longer a question of can i get into college...but rather, how the hell did i get into this college? i didn't know I was this smart. But I guess you have to draw the line somewhere. Yes the two colleges that I got into are TOUGH to get into, tougher than the third one, which takes the edge of the anxiety, but the fourth, is an ascent up Mt. Everest, that I have yet to make. There will be punches thrown, and there may be blood spilled, but in the end, I have to know that if i didn't get in, it wasn't because of any criteria that I could have controlled...aka academic, athletic, or extracurricular. No the real question is did I study hard to enough, did I take enough test prep courses, did I take enough AP courses, and join useless service organizations to not have allergies or asthma, conditions to be "healthy" enough to be admitted into this college. Yes, this is the the one sharp needle that sticks out in the haystack. Because the way it's going? its going pretty good. I have it pretty good. I have a lifelong appreciation for running, that some people cannot even begin to imagine what this addiction feels like. Its a compulsion. I have a loving family that cares about me, and what may selfish needs are at times. I have a humbled heart that I wish could get more and more humbled with every day. This is nonetheless counteracted by my daily activities that builds ego and is torn down by some task that reminds me of the importance of teamwork, dedication, family, friends, and God. I have a huge network of friends on facebook, who "apparently" are worth more than the real friends that i see face to face everyday. I have a special, special, special person who is with me 24/7 who is with me at all times good and bad. And I have a good life and God who cares for me day after day even though I screw up quite a bit. And I have to be thankful for all these things. There's nothing more to say than this. When you are eating your turkey and filling your filling, really really think about what you are thankful for, because you can never underestimate the value of thankfulness in this hi-tech speed of light world where the next person cares what you care about only for a heartbeat.

It’s All Over

2007-11-01T14:05:00.001-07:00

Life ends at 18. I don't know. One minute you're at the pinnacle of your high school life, next minute you're just another joe stalking the halls of high school. One minute you're rockin out with your bros trying to soak in the moment, next minute the moment is over. The problem is there isn't enough moments to soak in. The buzz is over. Party's over. Life's over. You ask " what good was that for?" "Was it worth the ride?" You ask yourself if you had fun. You want to know if you had enough. The truth is that October is over and so is high school cross country for that matter. But….I'm still not ready to give it up, I feel like some kid who will never be able to grow up because I can't satisfy myself with enough memories of my brosefs and all the good times we had together running, racing and winning. Yes—running that semi-state race was probably one of the toughest gut destroying things I've ever done. I threw up after the race, and I probably lost about 5 pounds from doing that. But it was the rapture of emotions that pwnd any feeling of pain I had. Simply put, there is no greater feeling than that of accomplishment, that of exuberance, none so euphoric as earning something that you worked so hard, clawed so deep, and gave so much blood to get. That moment where we heard Norwell being announced as the 7^th team in the final results at semi-state will live forever as one of the greatest moments, not only in high school, but in my life as my family was there to have a piece of the exuberance and celebration. The fact that we did this as a team, and all together have the rest of the 90-100 years of our lives to relive this moment in our lives is incredible. Then comes the state meet. One week to live—last week of my life, I would definitely relive that week. It was probably the most fun week I've ever had in my four years at Penn, and by far one of the most memorable in my life. One week of just fun and excitement and coming to practice with the renewed determination to work hard, all day every week. It was also the most relaxed feeling I've ever felt in four years of running. I came to practice knowing that no matter what I did, there was nothing I could do to extend my season, knowing that there was nothing I could to live longer with my bros, and knowing that this was the end of the road. I was a dead man walking. No not really, but I was one happy man every day all week. Going to Terre Haute was one hell of a bus ride, and it was one boring bus ride. But by no means am I asking for that ride back, because what we lost in time, was made up by meaningful conversation that made me closer with every single one of my bros. And the night before the day of reckoning was one to remember. I've said that these guys are the brother that I never had, the brothers from another mother. It's so true. We did everything brothers do, we talked, got in each other's minds, fought in the bathroom, and peer pressured each other—just like bros. In the morning, we woke up and casually moved to the race course. The final race course of my life. It was such a calm place. Usually race courses would be a source of increased blood pressure accompanied by chest pains, but in this case, the course was as calm as a Civil War battlefield as seen in a Ken Burns documentary. The race course was a beautifully purpose-built snake course for the NCAA Division I Championship Cross Country meet. Looking upon it, you are just in awe that your career has come to this, that all your emotions and feelings and the culmination of four years of determination, guts, fear, excitement, pain, and most of all running ends here; it rests here in this field, along with those before and after you. And the race—is like no other you will ever run in your life regardless if this is the beginning of the end of the end of the end of your career as a runner. Life ends at 18. I crashed hard and died hard. Even though I felt like it was some terminal disease that I phased through, it took me by surprise how quickly the moment ended. And now, here I am—wondering what it is my life is about. Four months ago, I was working as a high school intern in a place I thought I knew, training for some journey that I didn't know how it would end, and here I stand today, sitting in front my computer screen typing sadly about something that happened just two days ago. I wonder what might have been if I had been a better runner. How it might have been if our team finished the season higher in at the meet. How I'd feel if I knew if I was going to run in college, or what I would do to get another year with my bros just to relive this moment.

Like a Great Disney Movie

2007-10-13T12:03:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen the Mighty Ducks at the end when they come from some ragtag team of losers and finish in this awesome party like there’s no tomorrow. It’s like the most euphoric rapturous moment ever….EVER!!!! Tuesday, I had some major tears, but they were all tears of joy.
yes...see the asian guy in the middle holding up the trophy? that's me. and you know why i'm looking down? because i didn't want the camera to catch me crying. We ran the a tough race, with a grande finale finish up a huge hill and back down. After crossing the finish line and out of the finish chute, I was throwing up for a good 15-20 minutes, but then I forgot all about that when we held up the trophy, a sweet piece of accomplishment four years in the making. Yeah, yeah, i know sectionals...big deal right? well it was for me considering all that i've been through. maybe its the fact that we won this one together, as a team, or maybe its because its what marshall sellers took away from me that i had to work to win back.

marshall sellers, champion coach

In any case, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday AND Saturday have been the stereotypical Disney Movie ending for me. Maybe what makes it so good was that we earned this victory as a team, not because of one spectacular frontrunner, but as a pack of uber hard-working, we-believe runners. You know how I know? today after regionals, we paced the time trial guys to help them run as if they were in a race, at practice on Thursday, we really pushed each other and made each other have guts. Before every race, and today especially, we circle up, hold hands, and pray to God. That's how I know we're a true team. And I know we'll always be a true team even though we're splitting off into different branches at the end of this school year. You can say all you want about other teams, but now I know, more than I ever have before what it really means to be part of a team, and how much it means to win as a team...just like the colts, and the patriots, and the cubs...if they'll ever win, and all other good teams in history.
Forgive me if I've been a little wound up lately. In my defense, I've worked four years to get to this point, and I don't know what I would do if I failed to reach State. I hope that you all can forgive me for being so wound up about the whole situation, but in all honesty, it takes a lot to get somewhere and very little to lose it. I think we all know that. I think our parents know that just as well as we do. These next few weeks will be trying for me and my teammates. Please understand that I may not be at my best academically these next few weeks regardless of whether we make it out or not...because there only two roads that I can take:
1. we make it out, and I have to be even more focused for the next week, to have finally reached the promised land. and I have to go to sleep early, and practice forever and study the state course.
2. my season comes spiraling down faster than it possibly could have gone up. The ensuing pain from the early finish to my season causes me to zone out and become depressed for a couple of weeks.
Either way, I appreciate any support you could give us because I have been edgy for the past few weeks, in a flight or fight kind of mentality. It's either all there or its not.
If nothing else, I guess if this comes down to it, this season has proved one thing to us--and that is the power of the human spirit. When it is all on the line, are you willing to fight it to the end? With God, all things are possible. The human mind is a powerful tool, much like the computer, but it is only as powerful as its user, the human spirit. Today was the third consecutive race that I was heaving after crossing that finshline, and I'm proud of it, knowing that I gave all that I could and I was all that I was. and in that same regard, I'm so proud of my teammates for taking that same mentality and for us fighting together to pull this one out together. It is this team spirit that makes the Mighty Ducks "mighty" or the Big Green so "Big". But one thing is for sure. When you win as a team you WIN like a team.

Pain vs. Pain vs. Pain

2007-09-29T15:03:00.001-07:00

Today I conquered probably two of the biggest factors that have held me back this year. First, the long haul of cross country has really made me reevaluate its worth, and if I really am a better person after running all those miles. Second, I learned throughout the week that in order to conquer the physicality of the pain, you have to overcome your mind putting limits on your body's true abilities. In general, it takes someone who has the physical ability to play the game before their mind can catch up and be shut off to allow the body to do its job. It's kind of like playing Pokémon when you have to simultaneously raise charmander, squirttle, Pikachu, and bulbasour and keep them evolving and advancing at the same level—its nearly impossible. It took me nearly four years to get to today, but today, I've reached new thresholds which I know must be breached in the next few weeks. Hopefully, by the time you are reading this, I have regained all my strength. Right now, I have a headache, I can feel my body's electrical current pulsating through my arms and legs, and I get hot but I can't produce any sweat because I'm pretty sure I've depleted all electrolytes from my body. My lips are cold and dry, and my skin feels like its crackling. Let this be a lesson to remain hydrated and adequately supplied at all times.

But that's not important. Right now, I am so sick, but I am so strong. You cannot break me anymore. The sickness and fatigue is a welcome feeling and a gentle reminder of who left it all on the course. I left it all on the course. That is my greatest achievement today. Even though I got third, and only ran a mediocre time, I ran my hardest every step of the way, and I know that because coming in to the finish line, my mind was telling me to slow down and cruise in, but my heart was telling me No way no way, think you need to grow a pair. You know you have made your mind the bitch of your body when your heart tells your mind to grow some balls. But even today, my mind was strong. You know you shifted into a gear that doesn't exist when you rise above all pain, there is no finish line, and all you can do is run. With about 1000 meters to go, I told myself, "fuck the finish line, just go." I went. Maybe fear pushes someone to the edge, maybe its pride, maybe its leadership. Whatever it was, I pushed myself farther than I have ever gone, and finished stronger than I ever have, and I have no shame in getting third now because I know the people in front of me worked harder than me, and I outworked every single person behind me. What is my reward for crossing that finishline? Thowing up for 20 straight minutes. Let me just say that convulsions hurt. Next, let me say, I have never tasted my own guts like I did today—it was probably the most bittersweet victory I've ever had. Quite literally, that bitter taste was probably my acids coming up. But you know what, this and this alone proved to me that it was worth it to spill my guts in my last ever shot at getting a conference championship ever. But that's a different story.

Enough about me. We didn't get to hoist the trophy. We won't have hardware to present at the end of the season. I can hardly say that this was a victory for me because without the championship, the team aspect is out the window. Even though I am so proud my teammates, Ben, Jake, Wil, Kyle, Andy, and Anton, we left with something that I know we could have earned. I feel bad that I couldn't deliver for my brothers from other mothers—Ben, Jake, and Wil. We knew what this was all about. I know me and Wil have waited and struggled for four years to get to this level, and had we all been 100% at the beginning season, we would have been a sure shot at winning today. Of course, that also means I wouldn't have gotten 3^rd place. But I would rather have Jake and Wil in front of me, and us win than me and Ben be 3^rd and 4^th and us get second. It's not about who beats who, its about working as a team to win a championship. That's what a team is—they work together for a common goal. That's another thing that frustrated me today was the fact that people kept bringing up this alleged rivalry between me and Ben. There is no "better" runner. I judge us by the amount of heart we gave, and if it came down to pure heart, we would have won because I know deep down, by bros and I had THE MOST heart of any team. There is no beating each other to attain dominance among the team. It's all about working together. But I am pissed about those who only come to go through the motions. Maybe they are ignorant, or maybe they just don't understand the concept of team. You contribute to the team, not feed off the scraps who lead you. Maybe that's why I cried today on the bus, and when we got back. Maybe if some people gave a little more effort, we would actually be a good team. And I'm ripping on one person in specific, so don't misconstrue this for being an entire team, which it is not. Yeah, I see you can put on a uniform, but you don't deserve to be wearing that uniform because you have no concept of work ethic. I see you dogging it nearly every day of practice. You never look like you are in extreme pain, and for the amount of showiness you display, you don't have a lot to back it up, because your body has no effect on your physical appearance. That hurt what you said today, and I hope that anybody who comes just to go through the motions every day makes a conscious decision to either run or go away because that kind of attitude is not the kind of attitude that makes winners, and it is not the kind of attitude that makes Kingsmen. I know that's not the kind of attitude that makes the football team so great. Maybe you have never been hungry for this kind of thing, but that's why you don't deserve savor my kind of moral victory because you don't have a heart to handle this kind of thing.

I've said enough about this issue for now. What I hope that can come out of this, is a new outlook on life, and how I can apply this in other areas of life. That's what so great about these four years—I discovered not only running, but the joys, the pains, and the lessons from running. I ask if you leave a comment, please tell me what you have learned from the past four years of your life, and maybe we can share in our pool of experiences what we can use for the rest of our lives. Time is ticking away.

Two things…

2007-09-15T19:23:00.001-07:00

Ok… so it really sucks being stuck at home on a Saturday night when everybody is out doing stuff. Its' kind of lonely, but for some reason I don't want to be out there, and for another reason, I don't really want to be at home maybe because there's nothing to do here. The most depressing thing about today is that there is no good football to watch. Football has become too lopsided this year. Either a team is incredibly bad or insanely good. It's not fair for the fan, me, to sit and have to go through this much pain to just watching a football game. The only games on have not been close ones, nail-biters, and I am perpetually bored if I don't do my homework. This sucks.

It really sucks being a senior right now, not because of all the paraphernalia associated with being a senior, but the idea the end of the road is in sight is depressing. All of my life, I've seen responsibility and becoming 18 as a long, long ways away, and here I am living it. Every day I wake up, thinking what am I going to do, and I have to think extra hard to make sure that I don't do something that I would deem a huge waste of time and waste of what childhood I have left. The biggest ever high school cross country race was today, and as fun as it was, it was my last ever. EVER. Point is that the end of the road has never been so imminent, and when I think of what I'll be doing next year in relation to all that is going on in my life today, I want to cry. Every time I talk to a friend about college, to a parent about how I'm such a "good" leader, or how immature some of my friends are, I want to cry because, in a year, it'll be all gone. This reflection of my past, this chillaxing, being a decent person, is going to have to change, for better or for worse is yet to be decided. But I feel like its building up to some moment that I will just explode. It's going to have to explode at some point, and you better be there to bottle it up forever when it does.

I was at the National Catholic Championship at Notre Dame, and I saw some amazing runners run. I saw one person who I didn't want to see, but that's ok, I saw 6 people who I did want to see. One of them really has been my role model from day one because of her insane work ethic, personal motivation, and her incredible dedication to being people first. I wish I could say that I am that myself, and I am quickly discovering that one of my goals that I want to accomplish this year before I turn into a fully fledged adult, is that of helping other people more so than me and my immediate friends. Taking on a leadership role on the team doesn't cut it for me, because as much as I am big bro to many of them, I don't give them anything tangible that is beneficial, other than making their little bodies fill up with lactic acid. What I'm talking about is seriously going out into South side of Chicago and straight-up volunteering for Boys and Girls Club of America or spending days if not weeks building houses for Habitat for Humanities. Most of all, I want to spend most of my holiday budget on other who are less fortunate than myself, but I need to get some stuff for my parents, my sister, my immediate friends, and some of my biggest mentors for getting me here unscathed. But most of all, I want to make a difference in the area. If I do not do that by the end of the school year, then someone please shoot me in the back of the head, and let the blood drip out slowly.

What is the world turning to these days? Notre Dame LOSING? Maybe I'm too immature to face the facts, but people are getting FATTER? Today, I sat next to a couple friends who were dipping for at least an hour, and they even offered me dip, and the crazy thing was, I was curious enough to almost try. But I didn't. Some things in life aren't worth giving up to please yourself in the immediacy. I'm pretty sure one of my friends is doing acid tonight, I know because he asked me if I wanted to do it to. One of my friends asked me to go to a strip club with him last night because it was his 18^th birthday, and he wanted to go with some friends. What the fuck? I hate this world that I live in. I wish I lived in Montana or some place that is extremely rural and devoid of these things that bother me so much. You may ask why I am friends with these people. I don't know. They are generally cool if you take these small things away from them. But they worry me. I worry about their futures. We're like brothers, growing up together, we take care of each other, and we got each others back. So when they go do stupid stuff like this, it not only pisses me off, but it goes back to what I said before about the future, I think what is this good for? Having fun now for what? There's so much more to life than messing around on a Saturday night. You know where I want to be right now? Appleton, Wisconsin; Xenia, Ohio; Culver, Indiana; Duluth Minnesota; Astoria, Oregon; NOT HERE. And definitely not anywhere in near a MAJOR metropolitan area. What the hell is my problem anyways. I am also thinking about becoming a hermit because I have come to the conclusion that women aren't necessary in life to be happy. And verbal communication with the male species is not required, especially if you're self-sufficient. No, I'm not gay. I just decided that I don't need a soul mate because 18 years of being an outcast has presented itself in such a way. And I like to do be out in the wilderness… which presents the question… What the hell is wrong with me? You AP Psychos tell me what the j is wrong with me? I want to get all tattooed all over my body, and go away in the middle of nowhere and shut out everybody. Why? As long as I am alive, I will always feel like this even though I may find a woman that I might one day call my soul mate, I think I've accepted the fact that I won't 100% let her into my life because I've been so shut out my entire life, and every day I live, I live for me. I see things that are beyond what a normal person can see, because I'm realizing that I've shut myself out of this life so much. My most private times are during the winter when I run in the 2 feet of snow, and no one is there to inject outside influence upon me. Its just me, the snow, and my mind. But in the offseason from winter, I would have to say my most private times are when I'm working out before bed time. 300 pushups and 400 situps ain't no picnic, and its just about the hardest time to do them too. Sometimes I don't even want to do them. Like today ( actually I deserve the night off even though I didn't PR, I ran one of my best races this year). But the point is, when I have to will myself mentally, that is the toughest and most rewarding times for me, and I would hope the same for you, because the rewards totally outpwn any buzz you will ever get from drinking, smoking, or sexual activity. ( I have done none of those, so I can not actually attest to how good any of the feel).

There's this burning image in my mind, of Beavercreek, in the fall. It's so beautiful. It's late fall, and it can't be any more beautiful, with the nice crisp autumn air, and the leaves falling. Yes leaves were falling today at New Prairie, and yes, I took a moment by myself marveling the beauty of how the wind sways trees. I guess that is what I will miss most about Culver U. It wasn't so much that they had a ballin' race course, they did, but after the race, I would always want to run by myself through the woods, and twisty State Road 2 to Culver, and just smell the air, and look out at Lake Maxinkuckee. You have to be one sick mofo to hate Culver in all its beauty. Why am I so sentimental? I don't know. The other day, I had a nice long drawn out conversation with Coach D during the run, and we talked about what kind of winter weather we liked. And I said I really wanted to go up to Wisconsin some day during the winter. Maybe I'm crazy but, isn't Wisconsin like 20 degrees colder than it is here, which is already below freezing most of winter? I don't know. Maybe I've watched too many National Geographic educational videos about Minnesota or Wisconsin, but one thing is for sure. I don't miss winter. It's simply too beautiful to miss. Tomorrow, I'm going out to ride my bike for as long as I can to hopefully coax out all the acid from my legs, and hopefully, I can draw in that fresh autumn breeze and feel that sentimental feeling that poets write about all the time. Poets may be the biggest pussies of all time, but they sure make you think, if you're willing to let them into your mind and heart.

Wow, I can't believe I just wrote 1500 words on my feelings over the past half hour. I guess a picture is really worth a thousand words. Then, I guess that one second of video is worth 24000 words But in any case, I couldn't have been any happier this week having all the people in my life letting me rejoice for my b-day. A big thanks for all the messages you left on facebook:

I appreciate all the extra messages that I got in my mailbox. And talking to people whom I forgot were facebook friends w/ me (sorry). Anyways, I guess if the theory of global interconnectivity is imminent, then I would use more internets tubes. But it would have to be hella cheap for me to use anything but a hardwired connection. The main thing is right now, I realized that the most down to earth people that you will ever meet are no more than a foot in front of you at all times. It's when you try to impress and overreach and hyperextend your arms that you realize what you took for granted.

so this week in review...

2007-09-08T10:54:00.000-07:00

yeah, this week was off... i'm beginning to feel it from running, this week i've probably fallen asleep more than i ever have. I feel so engrossed by cross country like my days seem to revolve around it. After practice, nothing seems important enough to measure up to it. I need to get out and get a reality check, because college doesn't seem to matter to me right now. i can't seem to find that die-hard feeling of wanting to be in the air force like i did a few weeks back. As much as things are in focus right now, they are very much soo out of balance. here's why:
-some issues at home came up a couple days ago making me reevaluate the preciousness of family
-being too dedicated to school activity and sports makes me value the company of family and the home i live in
-getting a good night sleep is more important than ever
-never underestimate a slow pace as long as you run 10+ miles, it burns of the pounds like crazy, and makes you gimpy...but in a good way
-Culver academy is one of THE most B-E-A-U-tiful places to just sit and be around. running down the road to the little town of Culver is priceless. too bad i won't ever get to do that ever again.
-small town america is the thing now.... atleast john mellencamp says so in the NFL pregame show, where the only line of the song he sang was, "born in a small town, gonna die in a small town"
-my dad gave up his wingman two days ago. his 1989 toyota camry. even i get teary eyed thinking about it because he cried having to give it up even though it was on its death-bed. i guess everything has its value, and i wonder how much my family is gonna cry when i leave the house for the last time.
- i wonder how much i'm gonna cry thinking about all the years i wasted trying to learn useless skills in school rather than useful life skills. all the teachers i had who were great, but then all the teachers who wasted my time, and a good portion of my life.
-by far the biggest thing this last week, was the appalachian state game. Ok michigan fans, no hatin' but i will never let this one go, no matter how good they were in their division I-AA. you will never be forgotten or forgiven for shelling out 500, 000 dollars to look like a bunch of r-tarded idiots dancing around the big-crap house and looking like a bunch of lovable losers at home. according to ESPN.com, Ohio state fans are seeking out App. State apparel to savor the moment and keep this clear and present for as long as possible. Indeed, i would like to buy an App. State shirt too, but i don't have a credit card because the only places that seem to sell App. State apparel is the internet. most people don't even know where App. State is. Some think its in Pennsylvania, but its actually in North Carolina. The impact has been so significant, that Mel Kiper Jr. has reported that NFL scouts are at App. State looking at players as prospects for drafting into the NFL.
- I should say what about ND? yeah, i may like ND, but don't mean i'm all for them and no one else. Demetrius jones is a good athlete. no doubt in my mind about that. taht's why he was the starter over jimmy clausen. but here's the kicker. if he was an absolute amazing athlete, he would have started because he would have been able to carry the team over that abyssmal offensive line, and still run for 10 million yards and be all-universe. Demetrius was like 1 for 3 passing, and crappy running. But we can't blame that all on him. I'd like to point to that swiss cheese offensive line that had holes the size of a whore's. it didn't fare much better for evan sharpley, and it will definately not work for jimmy clausen today, when penn state realizes all they have to do is load the line and blitz like crazy. and they can with all that tradition they talk about with linebackers.
- all this talk about college football gets me soo pysched up and excited and i don't know why. college football sucks this year. all the teams that i was pulling for seem to be stuck in mud. and the networks need to get their act together because ABC does not put out quality coverage like they used to, there are never big games on, and there has not been a Saturday night game as of yet, the second weekend of September. but i can't let go of it. college football is the reason i got a tuner card put in my computer so i could watch football in high-def.....in the most Jewish way possible.... on my computer. at least it pwns paying 3000 bux for a tv which 40 million people will have to do next year when the fcc switches all tv stations to digital.
- my birthday is next Tuesday, and i am lost. i'm turning 18, but this by far does not feel special to me at all. who cares if i can drink ( in Canada) or smoke or buy a lottery ticket? im most definitely not a risk taker or a partier and i don't care that i have these rights because i have the right to not exercise these rights. All i want is to qualify for state, finish high school, and get into all the schools i want to get into and a little security knowing that i have a job when i finish college ( hint: i better make it into the air force). I get lost in the "i'm a badass and i dont need anything any more because i am a badass" attitude when people ask me what i want for my birthday. that is kind of true because i can never recover enough liquid assets to buy gifts for other people, but if you insist here's a short birthday/X-mas wish list:
1- Air Force Football t-shirt
1- Akron Zips Football t-shirt ( with the kangaroo on it)
1- Applachian State football t-shirt
1- Ohio State t-shirt
1- Youngstown State t-shirt ( w/ the penguin on it)
1-camoflauged Under Armour top and tights
1 pair- Nike Free 5.0 V3 shoes
the desolation of the "Big 10" network and having all big 10 games broadcasted exclusively on ABC.
friend involvement in building 50 kWh wind turbines to supply auxiliary power for our houses and save money on power and save the environment
-something techy but environmentally savvy, because i'm all about the environment now.
-something linux related
i would like to (after XC season) create a group that we can all build these wind turbines and use them on our houses and generate enough awareness that hopefully most of northern granger ( think knollwood and surrounding cronies) will be blanketed in wind turbine generators saving enough on power to help save the environment ( in granger) because frankly, I'm sick and tired of people just building on more and more commercial expansion that is going to be underutilized while power is going to be wasted and resources are going to wasted on this.

my Friendzers?

2007-08-25T13:21:00.001-07:00

I love dee Asians a lot, but I have to say, I've escaped their influence this year. I have not seen much of or if all Tony Dang, I only see the Huang twins once every other day, and I don't seem to see much of the other smart Asians. I have to admit, it's a different feeling, like I'm on my own now. It's a liberating feeling, and I think that's good. Because I can be me now, I don't have to feel uncomfortable feeling dumb whenever they talk to me. Or I don't feel so dum when I'm in their presence. Regardless, I no longer have access to their Asian help, and I feel kind of detached from the mother ship.

But, like I said before, I live on my own terms now. Thers no where to hide anymore for me. I've found out that I can no longer hide in the shadows of Wil and Jake in their conquest to be awesome runners, and I have to assume the fatherly role of the youngens on the team. I am a role model now, and everybody seems to know my name, even though I don't want people to all know my name. It seems weird to run a race with people cheering me on, with me having no one to look to and follow anymore. And I don't do it to spite people anymore. I do it to have fun and build a strong mind. I want to tell you about this week, and this seems like a good place to start:

On Tuesday, we ran a tough-ass workout. Well, tough in the sense that the conditions were worse than I've ever been in, and tough in the sense that it was like taking a branding iron to the brain. The concept was simple. Run 5-6 1000 m repeats, up and down the long hill. Easy right? Wrong. First off, the grass was long as hell from all the rain that had fallen over the past week. Second, inside all of the grass was distilled condensation that was quickly evaporating from all the hot air. Third, the air was thick as hell, and I couldn't breathe to save my life. Fourth*, if this one counts, I lost my insoles from my shoes and I had to run on pads that were surreptitiously taken from the trainer room. Ok… so first one—bang bang.. easy, next one, hurts like hell…third one—feeling like sh*t…fourth one—I can barely do one more….so fifth one—last one…can't even stand after it. Like I said, I felt worse than hell… if there is such a depth. Basically, there was a breakdown in attitude somewhere along the way, and I lost it before I even began. It is always mental for me because Coach Eby says that I have all the physical tools to get it done, but my mind is weak. Trust me, my mind was warped. Here is a breakdown of how I felt: 1. I had a nasty taste accompanied by a tightness in my throat extending to my chest. 2). I had a choking feeling in my brain where it felt like someone was ringing out my brain like a rag, and this extends to my lower neck. Third, I'm suffering from extreme headaches, and loss of balance, and blurred vision, and tunneled hearing. Fourth, my legs are so heavy, they cannot move. But yet, despite all these excuse I make for myself, I saw that I might have and should have done one more, to prove that I'm a badass but in all honesty, the quality of my workout probably compensated for my lack of repetition. With the given time ranges we had, I was the only guy to hit all my times within the time range given by Coach Eby. That's probably why I felt so shitty. I'm serious. The rest of the week, I beat myself up for not having the courage to step up to the plate and possibly have passed out, and I tried to make up for it on Wednesday with an uber-fast run. That's why I feel so ecstatic today about my race, even though I didn't win or probably wouldn't have run a best time. But given the conditions, this was more than pushing myself. And that brings me back to my friends, dee Azns. The football game last nite was probably the biggest thing in a long time, In fact, its probably a good sign that BLACK IS BACK. And that we got school, school spirit. I wish I could have stayed longer, but when a runner says hes gotta get his rest, He's gotta get his rest.
So really, it all comes to this, penn football is so much better than waking up on a Saturday morning and seeing all these nasty clouds overhead and coming to stand and cheer on your best friends in the mud. Even if it helps them. It's a sign of changing times: we don't see each other that much anymore, I'm ok with that. I'll still support your endeavors, and I appreciate you trying to do the same. We're all going in different directions in about 6 months and I'd be very disappointed if you ended up at Ivy tech. I hope you hit it big, like Harvard big. Like some Ivy League school where all people wear is sweater vests. But that's just not for me. Remember this though, even though we are going in separate directions, we are all heading to places that requires more brainpower than horsepower. I know this full well and hope that I end up at a place that prepares me better for that than the place you go to because the transition will be harder for me.

Ok, back to what I was saying, week in review. Ok, so I have to say that this year has been a disappointment in how academically challenged I feel. I thought that my senior schedule would be harder than it is, but the only classes that I know that I'll be pulling all-nighters is Calc and Chem, the 2 C's. I had to get a physical on Wednesday, and was more than glad that I got to miss more than half of Biblical Literature because there are no concrete discussions about the Bible as literature, and I don't think there ever will be. All it has been, has been endless discussions of the first amendment, with no end in sight. Aerospace is the same grind day-to-day, and I practically have 4 study halls with the amount of time I spend up in the writing center. I look forward to going to practice everyday no matter how tired I am, and this is why. My favorite part of the day is on black days when I don't have a fourth block and I go upstairs and hang out with Mrs. Pierce and Ms. Nic for an hour and a half. Or, after XC season, I can come home early. I did it yesterday, and let me tell ya, it is heaven in a bottle. Driving home is such a liberating feeling. Coming home to relax and thinking about all the brave souls who must brave another hour with Dekever or all the comatose faces who must sit through another lecture is a satisfying feeling.

So really, if you want me to tell you about my life, that's really the status of it right now. Points to ponder:

Football this year…what will be different about it this year?

This is our last year seniors, what are you plan to do to make it memorable?

Drinking? If you have friends who frequently do this, and they ask you to party with them, a). join the party? B). party but don't drink? Or c). don't go at all?

The rain? Love it or hate it, and what does the smell of it on the pavement remind you of? The sound of it?

College apps? What is your plan of attack?

The autumn, it is coming quick, the last autumn. Having lived life, what are the real color of the leaves, what do they smell like, and what does the air smell like? What is in the air that makes autumn so autumn?

This is your last chance to experience stuff. How will you bottle it up? What do you want to bottle up? What do you want to happen?

Leave one.

Goal Oreintation

2007-08-18T20:07:00.001-07:00

I still think back to that year, it still gives me chills up my spine. I feel like damaged goods, I feel like I'll never reach my full potential because of that huge dent that happened sophomore year. You know what I'm talking about. If you don't, here's the story:

Ran the miles of trials a.k.a. PAAVO with a hardass coach, who got me all wound up mentally. If you knew me back then, you knew I was wound up. I was in peak physical condition. I felt good, or atleast he was telling me I was in the best shape of my life. I was fast too. But that never panned out in races. I wonder why. I know now. I was too young, too immature. Life hung in a delicate suspension between running and reality. Then one of those threads was cut. It was bad. It takes a surgeon to do work on mere nanometers. I thought I was done. I was about to punch out. Look for a new start. Fresh start. Clean slate. Well, I found that clean slate, but I never fully regained my confidence as a runner nor did I ever find how to harness my physical gifts. I never thought I had physical gifts. Never thought I was ever good enough to amount to anything.

How to repair confidence:

Build physical strength and endurance by whatever means necessary short of steroids
Build with a new philosophy towards the goal.
Approach the goal from a different direction
Don't deny the past.
Be patient in nurturing growth
Allow time for the seeds to bloom

I was lost. I was really lost. It took a stupid mistake of me running my mouf about something to a certain somebodies for me to man up and respect work ethic and goal orientation. It took me one year to understand the mechanics of running, to embrace the mental games that it posed. It took me one moment to dedicate myself to being more than I could be. I am not out to prove to other people anymore than I am to prove to myself who I am. Well, maybe the air force. But still, I'm not putting in the work for looks anymore. I gave that up a long time ago when I wiped my slate clean. May the glory go to the Lord, who provides me strength to overcome, yeah I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil because I'm the baddest mutherfucker in the gattdamn valley, figuratively ( that the Lord looks over). I am a new spirit now. The Lord has lead me to the success I have, and all that I do, I do in His name. May all the blood that pumps in my veins be his, may the spirit in my heart be guided by him. I know what I am now, I know all about Goal orientation now. I didn't need a poser who had never ran the trials of miles to tell me that. I know what goal orientation is all about. I know what glycogen base is all about, I didn't need some fool to spit it all out and try force feed me his BS about how this all works when I know the general concept well enough to take it and run with it. The key is to make everyday a great day. Even when you are having a shitty day. What you want to do is to overload your schedule with tiered busy work so that it balances out if you bomb a test, and you still feel like you accomplished something by being proactive. I've found it makes a big difference in my life. It all starts with a planner. Get a paper planner that you will use because of its built in organizational tools, or get Mozilla thunderbird or Microsoft outlook. The key is to get something that has a calendar, email client, and planner all bundled in one convient, asthetic package that you will want to use to get organized. Keep a separate journal logging in each experience for evaluation sake. Know your goals, and use the journal to keep you on task and on target. Set realistic time deadlines. Im being totally serious here, no BS. I decided I need to get organized and goal oriented if I want to make it at the academy.

I came to this epiphany when I realized my sister is smarter than me, not just booksmart, but streetsmart. I don't know anything, and she knows everything about anything. So I decided I need to be my own person. My dad always yells at me to apply my work ethic from running towards life. He literally yells. And I finally listened. I hope it pays off, because at the rate I'm going, I'm gonna be doing this for a long long long time before I can let up. Unlike running, I won't let up at the end of the season because there is no end of the season. I find that only when you work as hard as you can without relaxing, only then can you feel good about yourself because you actually did something. That's the best feeling in the world, accomplishment, other than being in love. Well, maybe its better, but I've never been in love so I wouldn't know.

Ahh… the smell of Life

2007-08-13T17:12:00.001-07:00

I sit here typing this post today, thinking about all I have seen in one day. I wake up every morning knowing I'm going to face Hell before the day even begins. But, like the enlightened individual I am, I leave practice feeling refreshed, rejuvenated, and more naive than ever. I come home with a warm feeling in my heart, thinking I can accomplish anything. I feel like I am ready to perfect my life. Get Organized. Innovate. Broaden my horizons. That is until I sit on the computer for about 2 hours and realize how useless I am.

Today, I took a little road trip and I realized how many people are talking on their cell phones WHILE driving. I admit, I've done it before, but I don't do it anymore, and I CERTAINLY don't do it in compromising situations, where I could incur damage to something or someone. On a simple trip to school, I think I was more alert to the number of people talking on their cell phones than the number of stop signs there were. (which by the way, there were more people talking on their cell phones than stop signs crossed). Someone must take responsibility. I know, I was almost hit by a talking driver the other day, so clueless he couldn't control his SUV fast enough to pull a wide enough turn into the street I was exiting. In short, I probably should have gotten out of my vehicle chased his vehicle down with a bat, and destroyed one of his taillights, but being the civil individual I am, I drove on wondering what the hell this guy was thinking when he saw the dirty look on my face. Or was he too focused on his conversation to notice I was even there? Like I said, someone needs to take responsibility, and someone needs to take action. What I mean is the FCC who should make Bluetooth a standard requirement for all cellphones, and the federal government who should mandate that all vehicles have Bluetooth connections for all cellphones so drivers can talk without using one arm to hold a phone 2 inches from their ear, and the other to masturbate. I've seen this technology called Bluetooth and I've seen it in action in cars. It needs to be there. Either that, or make it illegal the law to operate celluar devices while driving. Someone has to step up to the plate and take action. The most important thing right now, if you have to talk, is that you use speakerphone instead of holding it with one arm.

8-11

So yesterday's grueling pace made me realize a lot of things about myself. First and foremost, I realized that its so surreal to be a senior. I have dreamt for so long imagining what I am going to do this year, and all the things I am supposed to do. Of course, I'm off to a good start as far as stuff I want to do. I went to practice the other day and after that, all the seniors on the team went to a lake to party. It was the first time I had come face to face with friends while they were somewhat buzzed. There was nothing special about it, just a sign of the times, seeing your friends drunk in front of responsible adults who are utterly clueless. Well, not completely clueless, but mostly. Then we took our senior poster pictures, just another reminder of the times. How time flies. At this point, senior year really is a commodity. I just hope that I get to enjoy as much of it and take in all the things I think I'm supposed to take in. Some day, I'll look back and see how pointless my life was, and unfulfilling it was. I already know, but for now, pointless is really fine by me. The most fulfilling thing is filling your day. Having a day that you can remember is a good point that you know made something of that day…even if its bad. But hopefully its good.

Before you flame me for being too hardcore addicted to running, I would like to take this moment to just say I admire your recreationalness. That's not an insult to anyone except a really arrogant guy that I know of who thinks he is a badass runner. Truth be told, I think I could beat him on an easy day. But that's not my point. Running is like a drug to me right now. Everything that I do, every move I make, is predicated on my running. How I feel, what I eat, what I do, is all connected with my runs. Of course, you can guess I drink a lot of water, and I mean a LOT of water. But its not all for comforts anymore. Because I've been bone dry before and there have been some pretty ravaging effects on my body.

Yesterday was mentally challenging, not in sense that the run was the hardest part, which it turned out it really was, but in a broader sense, that my mind was not psyched for such a full day. I realized during the run, nothing else matters. Just go. JUST GO… like coach sellers GO.. If running 4 minute pickups wasn't bad enough it was through the south side of town with a grand tower of Wilson park, yes even the huge tubing hill. That really sucked. But you know what, I'm that much tougher now. I know I gave 110% because I felt it. I felt good after my run. I know I did good because I feared the run before, and I beat the hell out of pain yesterday. Pain is a weakness. It itself is weak. The only way to beat it is to overcome your own weakness. That's why I can tell when someone is recreational or not because they are willing to go head to head 1vs.1 with pain. Kill it. I can tell a recreational runner because they don't have to care and therefore don't push that envelope. They're listening to their ipod to "take their minds away." Well, in my honest opinion, when you listen to your ipod, your not only putting yourself in danger of electric shock, your cowering from the pain. You don't want to face it. You don't want to tell pain that you will kick it in the ass if it does not leave your body. I'm not sure if this is an epiphany or not, or if I have just been subliminally saying this for a long time. All I know is that I've found my motor, and I'm ready to go. Looking back, yesterday's workout was fun, and it was a good kick in the ass warmup for race season.

I hope I'm not going anorexic. It's not good to skip breakfast. But I seem to do it too much. I have no regrets either. My body seems to be fine. My poop is nice and brown, and my piss is a nice clear color. But that's not the point, and don't think I'm a weirdo because that's a real indicator of your physical wellbeing. I'm pretty happy to say that my interview went amazing yesterday, I think I connected with this guy atleast 95% at the minimum. I hope that I get some sort of nomination, and that I get an appointment. I'm prayin so hard every night that God might make me the right soul to go to Air Force Academy, that he will give my heart the will and strength to persevere there, and that my mind and body will be worthy of service in the Air Force. I feel so bad though that I may have to compete with a friend to get into the academy, and I wish him the best, even though it may come down to us trying to get a nomination from the same source. I don't know how bad he wants it, but I want it so bad you don't even know. But I would love for both of us to get a nomination because I want to be able to go to school with someone I know.

Well, after that I had calc which wasn't bad, but it once again reminded me of my age. After talking with some teachers, it felt different to talk to Mr. Oke. Its' just different, and I don't understand it. Its an ambiguous feeling, it feels natural being a senior and acting like a senior, but then again, in my recollections it feels so out of place. I want to be a senior, I just don't understand why. Then I took my senior pictures. I felt so weird in the studio because that's not me. I don't take pictures. Especially not ones where I'm giving the photographer some queer smile that I'm faking because the year book requires it. Nothing against the year book, I'm just not a natural smiler. Not me. I like the feeling of acid in my legs. Once again brought me back to that feeling that I'm out of place. I'm just not a senior. Trying to make my own schedules and to get them to actually work. It actually did work, yes, but still.

I think this is the highlight of my day—getting my cute little Hyundai smashed by a brick that was thrown by some thug ass Mexican chicanito. Wheres the love ese? Orgullo mexicano? I wanted to run out of the car and do something stupid. He messed up our car bad. I wished it was somebody else's car. Moral of this story? Never take Hwy 41 through Southside. Even if you end up on Lakeshore. It's dangerous. There were some eses who looked like they wanted to shoot us. But that's still not the highlight of my day. Getting our ScoobieDoo was. Yes, it is beautiful. It's smooth, and its got a lot of power, more than I know how to use yet. It's soo beautiful too. I can't get over how beautiful it is. Yes Tony, I can take you out with this thing even if you have your highlander. I drove her today.

8-13

Today, we went to the beach. Fun. It taught me a lot though. Like how to run. Yes, I think everyday teaches me something new about running. But today was really a new dimension. Running hard in the sand. It's not like I've never done it before. I've just been too immature to understand the mechanics of it. And maybe how to do it. But it was more than just about running. It was about being a team. Power of the pack. I've never felt anything like it. Atleast not in this way. Not as a senior. It is my reign on top of the mountain now. And everything that I do, every step I take, every breath I make, leads me to a new dimension of reminiscence. Mostly to three years ago, when I was just a young untamed buck just happily trotting around. I remember that first day of practice, that first run, how much it hurt like hell. All the seniors being the assholes they were. Now it's my turn. When Coach Eby said was talking to us, she said specifically told the freshmen that even though they didn't feel like they were contributing to anything right now, they were doing something to prepare them to lead next year. That was so me. I still know that feeling. It's a good feeling, knowing you have time, that you can mess around. But now, at the end of the road, I'm at some crossroads, I kind of feel like I'm standing in the middle of Route 66 in the middle of nowhere New Mexico, just being all sentimental and taking in the scenery. I hope and pray that every day every moment that I live from now on is meaningful, that my life will not be all fun and games. I need something fulfilling in my life. Running makes me tick, but I need something to fill in the middle 66.8% of my normal distribution.

memories

2007-08-02T16:36:00.000-07:00

this isn't really about memories. or sentimental verse. i just feel different right now. i guess that i'm done being a kid for good. maybe. the fact is, that i am so unwound right now that i actually want to get spun up in the stresses of school and in season running. The fact is that the bore of the moments really got to me in the end and wore me out. they made me miss my friends, my teammates, the nature of running, and most of all my sense of purpose.
Im pretty sure i've gotten more done in one week than i did all summer running aimlessly through a wooded forest. In the past part of the week, i've atleast started or made significant progress on a). getting application materials to the air force academy
b). applying to colleges
thinking about my professional life. its hard to imagine that the strings are going to be cut in about 10 months. not even a year. but it's happening. not to mention, cross country and track which put the probably the most pressure on me to perform over anything else in my life.
i came to the conclusion that real friends can see you from 36000 feet. and by that , i mean they have a stratospheric view of everything that goes on. i think i'm lucky to have a few of those friends. we aren't the absolute closest friends in the world, but i know i can count on them when i need to, and they can probably count on me. although, i have to admit, i am somewhat of a ground level observer sometimes. but true, geniune individuals don't get caught up in the hype and leave their minds open to many possibilities. and that's why they'll be successful. i talked to one of them the other day. they seem to know what they are doing in life. what direction they want to take. they know they have to be critical of themselves in order to reach the goal, but they know the goal is attainable. i guess i lack the "goal is attainable" category more than anything else.
today as i was running my pickup intervals, i realized how easy a hard practice was, even though it was, physically, difficult. I think i've finally willed myself to dull away the mental pain that comes as a byproduct of hard work in any situation. i dont know if there is atrophy to be had with this, or if this is the beginning of a slacker streak, but its definately a good sign as a runner. i don't fear hard workouts, i do not fear racing, and i do not fear pain of running. i wished i didn't fear school, and as hard as i can to try to impose the image that i don't care, deep down, i really do. in fact, i've always cared. maybe the reason that i do this is not to relieve myself of stress, but to announce my resignation that i can't compete with the top of the class. im not trying to "compensate" for anything, but it really has become a byproduct of an extra layer of skin i've developed to shield me from emotion and pain, and inadequacy.
the blows of peoples criticism does not strike me as hard as it used to. the highs of fine art performance do not phase me as it used to. even test taking does not build the nerve that it used to. you can blame it all on running. but this does have its side effects. like a pipe that bursts, from time to time when my plate gets overloaded, i tank. when those hard times hard practices, hard races, hard topics get to me, i burst. there is no blow-off valve to dissipate pressure. i used to be holed up by myself. i've figured out the best thing for me now is people. i miss comraderie. i miss how i used to have fun at soccer practice, or how i used to play capture the flag with friends and real strategy. most of all, i miss working together. team work is an important aspect that defines me. as i've discovered. its not that i depend on them to do the work, but its that i rely on their efforts for their part, and my efforts for my end of the ticket. maybe that's why i almost tried out for the soccer team last year, or atleast part of the reason i'm applying to the academy. its because you go through it together. you will each other to do it. its not because your competing with each other to have the upper hand. its because you want to carry them to the top. maybe that's why i came to hate running so much and relike it. i do feel like a new born runner. i'm stronger, faster, more confident, more willing to take the hard miles.
next friday, i interview with the academy. i'm impartial to my chances of getting in ( thanks to the "awesome " medical review board), but i think my chances with talking with them are good. im candid with what i want to say, i am able, qualified, and most importantly willing to go give atleast 12 years of my life to serving this country. now, i'm not a war monger, but for the sake of serving, i hope we have a war with north korea just so i don't feel so guilty about being a veteran without being mobilized to defend this country. i kind of want to see some action. but i know thats up to the marines and army. but if we fight north korea, it'll be an air war. tactical obstacles prevent a ground invasion from occuring easily, and the war will be fought from a significant portion from the air.
i was watching rachel ray the other day, and bill clinton was on the show. he said we are the first generation to not outlive our parents due to childhood obesity. that's sad. to some degree. but i realized that we also must be the generation to overcome our laziness, and our indecisiveness, and all the pandering and cowering that goes on. the other day, i saw some girl that was a cheerleader at our school who graduated 2 years ago. with the cheerleaders. like she doesn't have anything better to do. she was fat, had a dog the size of a rat, and looked like she was given everything by mommy and daddy. that quickly lead me to three analyses--first she was a heavy partyer and drinker her first year in college. second, she doesn't work. third--she is spoiled beyond belief. she is probably the trend that our country is heading towards. eveyrbody in this country is guilty of that to some degree. it doesn't matter who you are where you are at. hell, i am guilty of that myself. everybody is materialistic. they see curiosity, luxury, over necessity. they are sloth and lazy and never had to see the source of their lucky lives. i predict in 40 years, our country will be in either severe economic meltdown, or we'll be living the biggest dream of our lives. the problem with this, i see, is that we are missing the big picture. we're missing the 36000 ft prospective, that encompasses the lakes and temperate forests that we so often overlook and take for granted. everybody wants to go to the beach, everybody wants to go to a tropical rainforest. everybody loves a country club. that's so boring. there's nothing there. it's all bare and empty. the temperate forest is rich with blooming life, and mosquitos and other occasional critters that bug the crap out of you. but nonetheless, there isn't enough prairie, lake,wetland, or forest to walk through. its all gone. gone because people want bigger and newer houses, fancier phones, shinier cars, smaller and faster computers. what about the beautiful sounds of nature, or the smells that of fresh rain? what about the feel of the cool air under the cover of the trees. maybe im different, but maybe this is all i learned this summer.
all i gotta say to this summer is thanks for the memories, even some of them weren't that great

Dreams

2007-07-24T20:22:00.001-07:00

Here's a list:
Briggs and Stratton
Cummins
Caterpillar
Detroit Diesel
Deere
Allison
Kokomo
Winnebago
International
Oshkosh
Wayne
Crown
Carpenter
Freightliner
Kenworth
Peterbuilt

here's another one:
Oshkosh
Madison
Milwalkee
Duluth
Minneapolis
St. Paul
Lake Winnebago
Wisconsin Dells
Portland
Seattle
Offutt
Dayton
Youngstown
Peoria
Lincoln
Tucson
Coos Bay
Tacoma
Vancouver
Fallon
Anywhere on Route 66

I need a place to dream right now. I need something to dream about. Here you are America. what this means, I don't know. Does it mean I want to be out of the city? Definately. Look at the first list. They are all companies in the Midwest onward, and they all make heavy duty equipment. But look again, and notice how most of them are in places you never imagine. Briggs and Stratton makes lawnmower engines but theyre out north in wisconsin. Whats in wisconsin. look on the second list.
I guess Im looking for nature. I'm looking for seclusion. Joe Thomas on draft day left the all the hype and media and found solace in Wisconsin, fishing with his uncle. I want to escape this place. I hate it here. Indiana is so artificially created even though there is no nature anywhere. Ohio is different because it is packed with trees everywhere you go. Maybe its where I live. But i like seattle even though it is full of people. Outside of the boundaries of all the people exist a balance of nature and beauty that you cant find in california. again maybe its me.
why am i so weird? this is totally cool to fantasize about this. atleast i think. what is the source of all this bamboozle>?
I want to keep moving. i came to dayton and it was refreshing. but i have beeen here too long. i'm actually excited to go back to Indiana. not because i want to go home, but theres an ecstasy of driving home that i can't quite pinpoint. its not the farmland taht i'm fond of although that's part of it. If i could just keep moving, like moving along. i get the same feeling when i ride an airplane. theres something about it I just dont understand, and yet i am happiest when we are moving , continuously. Maybe thats why I run. Running is moving.
But i think of myself as a midwest boy. and its true that I am. Just looking through wikipedia made me realize I like midwest stuff. I like big 10 football. I like nature (marshes, lakes, temperate wooded forests). I like the smell of rain. I like living outdoors. and somehow, i like motor. Wisconsin motor as in Briggs, international, caterpillar, oshkosh. Why? How? I hope that someday i may be lucky enough to make this part of my life. why is this so complicated? how complicated can this be? i hope that someday i can be an engineer working in one of these awesome companies in wisconsin or minnesota or ohio designing trucks and engines. only 2 minutes ago, i wanted to be an aerospace engineer for the air force. WTF? i wish i could be both. I give up. this sucks

Standardized Test my ass

2007-06-06T14:47:00.001-07:00

I am sooo pissed
...about a lot of things. First off, i feel like facebook is about to get invaded by the feds. I can just seense it. enough information gets exchanged that at some point, the feds will begin demanding access to peoples pages and all their stuff. You know its about to happen when they start introducing applications. This thing is turning into myspace. truly and seriously. even though they keep html coding out, they it will soon catch up with them as soon as they make this place wide open to the public.
...about the school corporation pressing charges against our hero, D-Jan... yes he may have violated classroom rules, but the idea that it was a crime is rediculous. He is exercising free-speech, he is doing so many things that do not violate any law. yeah, maybe it was not appropriate for school, but i bet you dean hall when he called me down and started looking at the powerpoint had a hard time holding down those laughs inside. o and by the way, he totally misssed "the graph". just glazed right over it. they are thinking of expelling him too. WTF... what is the administration's problem. they need to realize this kid has an intelligence level of about 10 times as great as their own, and they need get over the fact that their determination to label him and stick him in classes that aren't motivating him to learn anything new will only keep this bright individual from what our society has built in to keep smart people who don't like to show it from attainng. yeah, thomas edison messed around at school, Yeah, Albert Einstein wasn't "smart" as a kid, but look how turned out. Nuff said.
...about NBA Finals. No one is giving the Cavs a chance. rediculous. If you have Lebron's dunk against Tim Duncan, that's all i have to say about this series. If you don't think the Cavs can fight you are sadly mistaken. I am sadly mistaken. Detroit proved that it only takes time for the Cavs to wear you down. Hype is a motivational factor for the "x" factor. there has been so much of it pinned on san antonio, about how they can play defense, how they are so deep. How the west is soo much better. Who won the finals last year? That's right Miami Heat... team from the East.
...about hoosierauthority, the best place for people tthat know thhey have no chance at winning a championship to argue about people who do. i.e. Who will win the NIC this year? and these are old-greasy assholes from schools have no chance at winning or they suck too much themselves. Im tired of this hyping up stuff... i like to throw a little curve ball into the mix and hype up hype up the last place team. taht's a conversation stopper right there. i need to make a wikipedia article about. "conversation stopping techniques" kind of like this article about negotiation tactics.
...all the time in the world that i don't have. like time to go run. i need a lot of that. and life just won't afford me that time. if i could rich in the world with something, i wish i could be time. then, i could do anything.
...with finals. yeah so what finals. i dont give a shit. so i got a B in some class. I'm gonna freak out abuot finals because my future hinges on it. acutally, i dont have anymore finals after tomorrow. just some stupid project due 4th block on friday. and i should have turned it in today. oo well, like i said, I dont care
...with standardized testing. Like AP testing, standardized testing is another way for you to be judged by someone elses yardstick, one that does not take into account all that is you. SO don't be upset when you get a 200 on the SAT, or a 1 on the ACT. it doesn't really truly reflect how smart you are, just how motivated you are to whore out to someone else who looks at your number and pops a chubby, or how much money mommy and daddy are willing to throw into a garbage can. because in all honesty, and this was 0n a level playing field, people would not have to pay money to take the test first of all. they would not have to pay money to for their kids to receive materials to do better on the test. they should not trick you with stupid strategies that are bogus, and it is NOT a true indicator of what college you should be going to because if that were the case, i think only the top 5 percent of all high school students would make it into college by the top 5 %'s standards. now, in reality, those people also need thier reality check because the world is not comprise of uber-smart kids who constantly wet their beds having nightmares of going to community college. the real general population of the world is not in that 5 percent, so we cannot reject Ho and accept null hypothesis. my point is that standardized testing serves no purpose because it is not your own measuring stick nor the international measuring stick. it is like our english system. serves no purpose in the real world because we are a bunch of dumbasses. It's just like nobody runs the 1600 m run in the olympics, they run the 1500 because the 1600 compares to nothing. 1500 is equal to 1.5 km which means something. If we were so smart, why are all of our jobs going to less qualified people in other countries, or they are going actually going to smarter people who have better training, more motivation, and a salivating hunger for that job you work 20 years of education for. Granted, college costs money, and that is not a fallacy. But some colleges need to subsidized so that people can get higher educations than community college or technical school because honestly, even though we need those people, some of these people are trapped at this level due to someone' s mistake 10-20 years before they went to college.
Yes, I know I'm ranting, but really, no one cares if you having taken so and so class in high school, because it really doesn't make you prepared for you profession nor your life. Dr. Joey Saliba of University of Dayton really hit it home when he said, " the difference between an MIT education and a UD education is that a MIT education orient your focus on a micro aspect of a certain dicipline of a certain subject, while a UD education will take a more macro approach that encompasses not only your minute focus at an MIT type school, but necessary lessons to be successful at LIFE." well said, Dr. Saliba.

wats done is done

2007-05-18T14:46:00.000-07:00

yeah, i know some people will be happy to here this, but i messed up, and i messed up pretty bad. im not trying to pin the blame on anything, but seriously i was really sick that night and still managed to put together two back to back 5:08s. on a normal occasion, that would be good. except for the fact that i didn't run my first mile faster. i'd rather have had a time improvement than running even splits for a two mile race. i rather would have not been sick and able to make it to regionals than puke my guts out after being so sick, i could barely run. its not fair. i didnt' get snubbed by a person, i got snubbed by mother nature. gay as hell. oOOOooo well... you got your revenge for me talking up my controversy, you lax girls.
yeah ill be the first to admit. i was depressed. i lost it last night. i was so depressed. I'm still lost today. anybody who specializes in grief counciling pleaz step forward. oo i wish i was stupid enough to do something stupider. this sucks.
now... on the other hand, i couldn't be happier for ben. my homeboi gettin done just like i thought he would. he kep it real. i can only hope that i get another shot at this next year and get as far is he this year.
nuff bout me. this week sucks. allergies and sickness and all, which cost me the race, and now i gave a tour today, and had two faculty members bitch me out. this sucks. what a way to end the week. but it also let me see the best of people. i found a reall person that i can be really real with. I found how just how loving the most loving teacher really is. and there is definately more than you think. i renewed my affirmation of how good friends can be. whether you think there there or not. you realize wats really there for you. especially when you're so engrossed in something that means so much to you. its like building a sculpture so intensely for so long and watching it crumple at the sight, and having to pick up the pieces by yourself. you miss the other things you didnt get to do while you were making the sculpture. i've always been a private person. never been much of the partyer, dont think i'll ever be. that's cool though.
rage only fuels me. and although i might be taking the day off today, you can be sure i'm gonna be running my hardest tomorrow.

AP, the best i ever had?

2007-05-16T18:03:00.000-07:00

AP. the highest, hardest level of achievement, right? WRONG. its some stupid test that people who don't have better things to do sit in cubicles make for kids who are about 10 times more competent than they are to test out in a simulated test situation. sometimes, the people who make the tests are really crappy and decide to give you a really hard test. but the truth remains that the tests still sucks no matter what you wanna say. i dont care if you have a hard test. you shouldn't care in the first place. you really want someone to subjectively arbitrarily assign you a number to affix in your little head so you can show it off to the world forever of how "smart" you are or how crammed up the ass you were for the test? cool. fine with me. but for me, no matter how i do, i think that the number is meaningless, unless you really want that college credit so bad, you're willing to do some unholy things for it. if they gave out medals for AP tests, you would be the champion, you know it buddy. but to me, 5 is meaningless. cool. 5. now show me how you will dig a trench with that 5 you got. cool. show me how you would kill a bear with your bare hands with that 5. sure, i may get a 5, hell i may even get a 6 on that AP exam because i'm so frikin smart, but you know what. I put that AP score with my degrees, where it'll keep me warm when I die. yeah u know what i'm talking about. but seriously, there is a lot more to life than loading the AP's on to pad your high school GPA. because who really cares when your working for joe millionaire telling him you took like 10 APs in high school. no one in college cares who you are anyways. does it give you some kinda comfort for lacking in other places physically? i dont know. all i know is im not gonnna parade my score when i get it. In fact, i might just shred it without opening the envelope. On july 24, i encourage everyone to shred their AP scores before they open them. And if your really curious, then you can pick up the shreddlings and try to piece together thier score, then.